Quarter Life Crisis?

As I mentioned before, I just moved back to DC full time after spending some time abroad. I know everyone says this, but being away from my own country has definitely changed me. I know girls without boyfriends always whine and say they wish they had a boyfriend. I have definitely said this a handful of times in my life, but I always knew that if I really had a boyfriend or even a chance at a boyfriend I would run very far away from it. Typically I choose assholes/unavailale men that I enjoy playing games with. I have really come to hate that natural chemical or whatever in women that forces us to get emotionally attached to men after having sex with them (for me it takes months of having sex with them to develop those inevitable feelings), but I truly never mean to get emotionally attached. Yeah, psychoanalyze me all you want. By and by, I get hurt in the end or cut it off before I can get attached.

But back to the matter at hand. I came back to the United States seriously wanting a boyfriend for the first time in my life. I have come to the conclusion (I should really invest some money in a therapist), that I am experiencing a quarter life crisis. I am about to graduate and my maternal instinct is kicking in, oh shit I need a mate to reproduce. I have always considered myself some sort of feminist. I mean not the vegan, man-hating, vagina-licking kind of feminist but more of a realist feminist. Hell I know there are differences between men and women, but I also think all women can use their feminine wiles to advance themselves and get what they want. We all know that being a pretty girl can be a real advantage in alot of ways. I've always been ultra-independent and had a small group of close girlfriends. I cannot handle stupid girls, even though deep down I know we are all a little crazy.

So now at the tender age of 21, I find myself in crisis with no direction, no significant other, and no career goal. So if I am no longer passionate about being successful professionally, what is left for me? Find a man to support me, get married, and start the baby factory. I'm sure every feminist who is looking at this blog just surfed on out of here. But is there anything wrong with a woman who really does not want to work? Is this not one of the perks of being a girl? So once I realize this, it comes down to one inevitable problem: how the hell is a newly reformed hoe ever going to find a hubby. I am not sure I buy into that true love, soul mate bullshit, but I would like to hope I could find someone I like enough to want to spend a good chunk of my life with.

But then that little love bug crawled under my skin and laid little crush eggs before I even knew it. I really have not been on the scene in my college very much. I spent most of the past two years either a) very stoned sitting in a room with some friends or b) out clubbing taking lots of drugs and drinking with people very much my senior. So when I was in a foreign country with a small group of my fellow collegiates, I felt very different and alone. However, lo and behold, I became good friends with a select few. One of these few was a boy a year younger than me, definitely not my type, but liked smoking weed as much as I do and was pretty entertaining. From almost the very begining, Jr (as i will call him) was a little flirty and would jokingly or drunkenly say he wanted to date me or confess hislove for me. I always laughed it off because I saw nothing more than friendship.

Well to make a long story short, by the end of our time in our foreign city I finally admitted to myself that I might have some real feelings for this dude. After spending the rest of our summers in respective hometowns, I could not stop thinking about him, told my friends about how crazy it was that I had actually fallen for a kid that goes to my school, and could not wait to see him again. The night of our reunion could not have gone better, or so I thought. We got wasted (him a little more than me) and were acting different like we could be more then friends. And then, bullseye, he wants to suck face. Then, the girl who normally has no qualms about having sex with a guy the first night she meets them will not make out with Jr, her good friend and longtime crush. Why?!? Because stupid me thought I might be trying to embark upon her first serious, mature relationship. I wanted to kiss the kid when he might have a better chance of remembering our magical moment.

Well, this seems to be my mistake of the month because despite hanging out many times afterward there was no make out sesh. After getting frustrated and starting to turn into psycho girl, I got drunk and decided to text him. I am a horrible drunk texter. I have considered leaving my cell phone at home many-a-time to avoid it, but fear of an emergency always makes me reconsider. So I proceeded to have a very important conversation via text message, at a club, circa two in the morning. Sounds like the beginning of a beautiful love story, right? So the convo basically went like this:

me: you don't have to be scared i know i am a crazy girl {I had blown up the night before when he ignored me after telling me to come over and sent him another drunken text telling him never to talk to me again, which he took very literally apparently}
Jr: as long as you know that {asshole}
me: well i am just gonna tell you this now cuz i am wasted and would not have the balls otherwise. i like you as more than a friend and you were being a bitch last night
Jr: i didnt know i'm sorry i didnt mean to be rude
end convo.

So there was my grand gesture (as pussy as it was via text message). Did my good ol' buddy with whom I used to sleep every other night ever give me a call the next day to have a good conversation about it. No. Of course not. He is an immature little boy, just as I feared would be a problem. And I am not saying I am some relationship goddess (I think I have made it clear that I suck at this), but just as friends this issue cannot be avoided forever. And what happened to the drunk boy who wanted to make out with me? I did not imagine that shit, I was not a waste-face like him. My quarter life crisis had pushed me to the door of a world of monogamy, but clearly I do not belong there. I was quickly rejected, only to go slinking back to the land of hoes. I still think it's his loss...at least thats what my girls like to tell me. Well, it's about that time for me to start shutting down my emotions. I am still pretty good at that.


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